One of the most difficult pains of my chronic illness is acceptance. I know it sounds weird but I’ve had Fibromyalgia for years now and find that I still have a hard time accepting it. I understand that I need to be easy on myself and listen to my body. For the most part, I do but that isn’t really what I mean…. The trouble is when I’m in public and I walk halfway up a flight of stairs only to realize that perhaps I’ve bitten off more than I can chew so I need to stop for a moment and let people pass. I think “oh no, he’s wondering if I need help” or “she’s looking at me… Please don’t ask me if I’m ok” it’s embarrassing… I try hard to hide it. I don’t look sick, I don’t act sick. I have this fear that if I choose to accept it, it might get worse.
I’ve had this horrible pain in my heal now for a few weeks pretty consistently and I have been tossing around the idea of purchasing a cane… A cane? Ugh… I mean, canes aren’t for healthy looking women who try hard to NOT look sick. If I get a cane, would I be giving in? I’m pretty sure that I just lost a spoon just from agonizing over this. I feel dumb. If anyone else were to ask my advice, I would tell them to get one for comfort and quality of life… It’s not giving up, it’s adapting to the situation.
If I accept my illness outwardly and openly, would people treat me differently? I think they would. I’d still have my amazing friends and family who love and support me and they know about my illness but would my acceptance make it real for them? How would they feel about that? Why am I worried about this?
At this point, I can only do my best to overcome my fear of acceptance. Perhaps if I just continue to try to adapt, over time I’ll learn to accept.